Bodies, Hormones, and Sex, Oh My!: Parenting Approaches to Sensitive Subjects
by NoSorry Parent Lisa
The Information is Already Out There
As a parent, it is only natural to wonder when and how we should begin discussing issues related to puberty and sex with our children. It is important to have conversations with your kids about the changes they are going through in their bodies. Our children will inevitably hear about puberty and sex from somewhere. Whether it comes from kids on the bus, social media, inadvertent internet search results, movies, or best friends, our kids will not be shielded from these issues for long. In fact, most kids are exposed to their first pornographic images by around age 12. It happens younger than we would like to think! Our goal as their parents, therefore, is to be on the front lines of exposure to some of these sensitive topics so that our kids will receive the most accurate information possible as they begin seeing and hearing things around them and feeling the changes within their own bodies.
Our kids will learn about and discuss these topics in school at an academic level, but when surrounded by a body of their peers, and when dealing with surges of the very hormones they are being taught about in class, they may not necessarily absorb or understand the implications of what their teachers are telling them. Therefore, we as parents cannot safely wash our hands of these sensitive subjects. Rather, we want to be a primary source of information for our children, reinforcing and expanding upon what they learn in school so that they do not feel lost both in the sea of incorrect peer-to-peer information being whispered about in school hallways, and in their own confused adolescent brains.
For parents, these discussions can immediately elicit a cringy, uncomfortable feeling. We may never have had these discussions before, we may have been raised in a far more private environment where these things were not modelled to us as children, and we may react negatively to our children’s very natural growth and development and the questions that come along with that, unprepared to say goodbye to those innocent childhood years. But it is incredibly important to overcome this barrier of discomfort with our children, both for their sakes as well as for the nurturing of our present and future relationship with them.
Talk About Bodies Early and Often
Our kids are going to trust us far more when it comes to opening up about their adolescent insecurities and issues if they know that we are not going to shy away from or react badly to these conversations. The way we let them know we are available to them is by literally having conversations with them about human bodies and their growth and development starting even before they have hit these adolescent years. Make sure to remain age appropriate (for example, an eight-year old child can use the anatomically correct words for the human body and know the physical differences between a male and a female, but does not yet need to know all of the ins and outs of actual sexual intercourse), and make sure you are clear, accurate, and consistent in your engagement on the topic. With my own children, starting in their late elementary years, I would open up a discussion explaining things they have heard from classmates and allowing for questions every couple of months. Now, as adolescents, they will ask questions of me. Or, one child might posit a question about body development or sex, and I will use that as an indicator that I should make sure all of my children have received the same information from me (whether together or in separate conversations).
It is also important to not silo information based on the sex of your child. Your daughter, for example, should not only be learning what to expect about the changes happening in her own body, but she should also have an understanding of what is happening in the bodies of the boys around her. Teaching them all there is to know for both sexes helps them feel more in control of this physical process that they otherwise have no control over. It is worth noting that young kids who can name anatomical body parts are far less likely to become victims of sexual abuse and assault. An abuser starts engaging and grooming young children by first getting a sense of what they know to help determine whether or not they have a safe space and clear lines of communication with their parents. If they know that the child can name the parts of their body and has a fundamental understanding of sex and sexuality, then the groomer is far less likely to progress in their abuse, because they know that this child has a healthy relationship with a parent or guardian, complete with open communication – anathema to a groomer’s secretive and isolating modus operandi.
When you are willing to have these discussions with your young child, even before some of these tricky topics become full blown issues in their lives, you are letting them know ahead of time that you understand. You understand what they are going through because it is normal for them to be going through these things. How empowering is that?! Moreover, while your child might not completely understand the information you are giving them during the first conversation, they will eventually grow up and into some of these topics. They will understand them at a deeper level as they experience them, and will invariably recall that you have mentioned the situation they are going through before. Now you have earned yourself the opportunity to be the person they come to in a heated moment when these issues of bodies and sex are actually becoming lived experiences.
Topics Worth Discussing
The following are some suggestions about what you may want to discuss with your children, when it feels appropriate for their age and stage. Again, these are not one-and-done discussions! Be ready for them to boomerang back at you as your child begins to experience some of these things!
The science behind your hormones as you enter puberty and what that means in terms of changes to your bodies, drives, and moods. (Yes, they teach this in school, but reinforce it at home. Let your child know that body talks are not relegated to the realm of education and locker room talk…you are a resource for accurate information, as well!)
Issues of consent. Respecting consent and understanding that “no means no” begins as early as the sandbox, when one toddler might tell another that they do not want to play their game. Tell your kid how this same fundamental respect extends to dating and sexual situations. Who is more powerful in a relationship, and how does that affect who has the right to clearly give or withdraw consent? When it is rape?
The differences in body types. Your child cannot help but compare where they are on their adolescent journey to that of their peers. Let them discuss some of these things. Let them know that they might not have grown that hair or developed those breasts yet, but it is okay because everybody develops at their own rate.
Being sexy. Some girls want to look sexy, and they want to achieve this look young. Discuss the types of attention dressing or looking this way gets them. Make sure both they and you have a basic understanding of what their motivation is. Is it a self-esteem issue? An attention-seeking ploy? A genuinely natural gravitation towards those particular looks and styles? Looking age-appropriately “sexy” is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as it comes from a place of self-confidence and not from a place of trying to fit in or trying to mask self-esteem issues.
Safety in sexual situations. What are STIs? What are forms of prevention? What does pregnancy look like? How do you prevent getting pregnant? What effects can being sexually active young have on your self-esteem, self-image, self-love, friendships, and future relationships? When is an “appropriate” age to lose your virginity, and what type of partner is an “appropriate” partner to have your first sexual experience with?
Basic respect for members of the opposite sex. What is “locker room talk,” and how does it exacerbate issues of misogyny? How might this affect one’s ability to have a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex in the future? What does respecting members of the opposite sex look like, and how can it help support more healthy, equal, long-lasting relationships?
How to handle the copious amount of pornography available readily online? When is it age appropriate to view pornography? How might watching pornography affect your ability to be sexually gratified in a relationship with somebody who is not a porn star? What are the differences between the pornography pervasive on the internet versus true sexual intercourse? How might this affect a relationship with a partner who believes pornography is morally wrong or a type of infidelity?
Issues of sexuality and gender fluidity. What does it mean to be on the gender fluid spectrum? What does it mean to identify as LGBTQ+? What do you do if people do not accept you for who you are? How does this affect your dating options? What does it mean to truly love and accept yourself for who you are in a society full of people who fundamentally disagree with your right to be who you are?
Reactions to Body Talks
Depending on personality, kids will react in different ways to these conversations. A shy, reserved child might absolutely shudder at the idea of having these discussions with you. A more open and curious child might fire back at you with questions you hadn’t even prepared for yet! Make sure to meet them where they are with these discussions. Some kids can settle in for an hour-long discussion, relaying their own personal experiences along the way. Some kids might quietly listen and absorb the information, and may or may not return to you with follow up questions. Either way is fine, as long as you are both giving them the information they need to know and also making yourself available should they want to ask you questions at a future date, once they’ve processed what you’ve talked about. Some kids can have these discussions before they head to bed at night, others might receive them better on a night walk where you don’t have to make eye contact. Still others might accept the conversations coming in small and self-contained increments of time, such as on a ride home from school, when they know they can escape the conversation in a few minutes. It really depends on you and your child, and it does not have to necessarily look a certain way.
The Importance of Openness
If we refuse to have conversations surrounding sex and sexuality with our kids, we are actually creating a distancing in our relationship with our children as they go through their adolescent years. If your child is scared to come to you with their thoughts because they fear judgement, negativity, or an awkward recoiling, then they will not come to you. They will find somebody else to confide in, learn from, and experience their young adult lives with, whether it is a friend, another adult, or a significant other. Creating an environment of silence and secrecy when it comes to your child’s growth and development into their young adult selves merely sidelines you, their parent, for what will become one of the most important aspects of their lives (their bodies) for decades to come. It is worth it, therefore, to force yourself to learn strategies to talk with your children about their bodies and their sexuality, even if it does not come naturally to you, and even if it's not something your own parents modelled with you as an adolescent.
Conversely, if you jump into these conversations with an understanding that they are sometimes messy, open-ended and ongoing, you are creating a safe space for your children to come to whenever they feel uncertain about their bodies, their development, their relationships, their sexual experiences, and their sexuality. You do not need to cover all of your bases all at once. There should be no such thing as “The Talk”: conveying all of the relevant information in one fell swoop and then never talking about it again, at least not if you want your child to come to you when they need you. Instead, introduce these vulnerable subjects and let your children be in charge of how much gets shared in these conversations. Respect their boundaries and their comfort levels, and keep it short and sweet, but consistent. You can always revisit the subject again! That is the beauty of normalizing these body talks with your children! Even if your child does not yet understand just how valuable these moments with you are, they one day will look back and realize just how lucky they were to have both a guide through their difficult teenage years, as well as a model for how they would like to approach parenting their own teens and tweens one day.
Literature Recommendations for Parents and Kids
“It’s Perfectly Normal,” by Robie Harris – a children’s book on sexuality
“Sex, Puberty, and All that Stuff,” by Jacqui Bailey – covers issues surrounding sex and puberty for both boys and girls
“Consent,” by Jennifer Lang MD – a teen’s guide to dating, consent, and sexual safety
“Celebrate Your Body (And Its Changes, Too!” by Sonya Renee Taylor – a positive guide for girls ages 8 – 12 for navigating puberty
“Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys,” by Dr. Cara Natterson – tips and how-to’s to help navigate adolescent boys through the changes their bodies are undergoing
“The Girl’s Body Book” and “The Boy’s Body Book,” by Kelli Dunham, R.N. – helps prepare kids and their parents for puberty