Building Confidence
by NoSorry Parent Lisa
Those Who Have IT…And Those Who Don’t
Have you ever looked in wonder and awe at a person absolutely overflowing with confidence? Whether they manage a flawless swagger in front of a panel of judges, belt out a solo in front of a packed theater, or score the winning goal in front of a crowd of fans, some people really seem to have the “IT factor” at which the rest of us can only marvel. When you really decode what an “IT factor” even is, what it really boils down to is a strong sense of self-confidence. What makes some people so incredibly confident, while others lack even enough confidence to stand up for their own rights or boundaries, much less push the limits of their lives to try new things?
For most people, obtaining superstar levels of self-confidence is an unrealistic expectation, and an unnecessary one at that. All we really need is enough confidence to get through our daily lives unscathed, respected, and with joy and peace in the things we have accomplished. But even these basic things require an element of confidence. Occasions do arise in even the most normal of daily lives when confidence is necessary. For instance, we may need to speak our mind in a meeting, defend ourselves against a coworker, fix a mistake in our restaurant order, try out for a baseball team, set a boundary with our children, confront a friend who has not respected our time, deal with an unhappy neighbor, ask for a raise, tell our plumber that he needs to re-do a shoddy job, and so forth. Navigating our way through daily life requires some confidence!
The truth is, however, that being told that we need to have confidence is a far cry from actually being able to find that confidence within. In fact, if it is pointed out that we are lacking in confidence, we are more likely to retreat inward and become even more self-conscious instead! This does not mean that it is hopeless for those of us who struggle with self-confidence! We all have the ability to create confidence from scratch, and once we have successfully done so, then we can begin to build up our confidence levels from its budding foundation!
Building Confidence
Confidence is what you can use to help get you through anything that might seem difficult, scary, or impossible to you. Confidence is what turns our thoughts into actions (Thoughts + Confidence = Actions). For some of us, actually accomplishing the action part can be very difficult! Having confidence, however, means that even when something seems difficult or daunting, we are willing to take a chance and do it anyway.
For some people, doing this is simple. Either because they were born with an extra dose of confidence, or because they were taught how to move through the world with confidence as children, they take chances that seem too risky for others and absorb failures more easily. For many people, however, being able to take risks can seem like an impossible task, and the thought of failure overwhelms their ability to act. If having confidence is difficult for you, just know that this is a problem that you can overcome with time, effort, and compassion for yourself.
The amazing thing about confidence creation is that every single time we carry out an act that requires EVEN THE SMALLEST amount of confidence, we are building our capacity for and reserves of it! Creating confidence is not about success, and it is not about winning. It is about DOING. As we do small, confidence-requiring actions, we are building our confidence stores to be able to take on ever bigger tasks.
For example, let’s say you have always wanted to sing a solo in front of an audience, but you are absolutely petrified by the prospect of doing so. You have the thought, but lack the confidence to turn that thought into an action. It is unreasonable to expect that you can tell yourself to just go audition, get the solo, and then sing in front of a theater of people. Confidence does not work that way. So instead, you should take small risks with minor consequences if things go poorly. You can’t sing in front of people? Okay, then take a video of yourself singing and show your closest friends. Once you have received positive feedback about your videos, you have now begun to build your confidence storage. But singing in front of a theater filled with a live audience still seems unreasonable. So instead, go try some karaoke on a Wednesday night when the place is dead! As you get comfortable with that, try it on a night with more people around.
Then maybe you can try out for a role in your local musical theater company…but as a member of the ensemble. You are in front of a theater of people, but as a chorus member. Now that you have had so much experience singing in front of people in different ways, you are just one step away from being able to accomplish your original thought: that you would like to solo in front of an audience in a theater. Will it still be scary and seem risky to go for a bigger role in your next stage play? Probably! Even experienced artists feel some amount of nerves! But have you now built from scratch enough confidence that you can take a swing at it? Yes! You have effectively de-risked the situation by building up both your skills and your confidence.
The Risk Factor
It can be scary to do unfamiliar or difficult things because by their very nature, these things come with an element of risk. We don’t like the fear of failure, we don’t like getting hurt, we don’t like being rejected, we don’t like uncomfortable things, and all of these things might happen when we take risks in our lives. For some people, the fear of unpleasant consequences keeps them from taking risks for their whole lives. But when they do so, they are missing out on potentially amazing life experiences, relationships with new people, emotional fulfillment, or new job opportunities, to name a few.
So it is important to recognize the function of risk, but it is also important to learn how to analyze why something feels risky and to know if the risk could be worth taking. Some risks are not. I have told my children never to try hard drugs because they will not know if they are going to be one of those people who become addicted to drugs until they do, and quite frankly, the reward of taking drugs is never worth the risk of addiction. Other risks certainly might be worth taking, and if it is a self-confidence problem holding you back, then just remember: being brave enough to do one risky thing helps create confidence for the next risky thing, and if we are willing to confront our fears, our rewards could be so worth all of the scary feelings!
Create a Working Relationship With Failure
One of the biggest fears when it comes to taking risks is the fear of failure. Some people seem entirely unaffected by being told “no”, being rejected, or outright failing at something. They are able to shake it off, move on, and try again or try something different. For others, however, even the thought of experiencing failure or rejection keeps them from taking risks in the first place. So while the first component of building confidence requires taking risks, the second component of building confidence requires becoming more comfortable with the idea of failure.
Life is easy when you only ever do things that are easy for you, but you are also losing out on opportunities for growth and discovery by limiting yourself to your known strengths. And taking action, especially hard action, is what ultimately builds confidence. You already know the things you CAN do, but how much more confidence will you feel about yourself after discovering all of these new things you can do that you were certain that you COULDN’T?
I remember being too nervous to audition for a production company in New York a few years ago, and one day I was lamenting to my daughter about it, telling her that I enjoyed singing, but that I knew I was not good enough for them to accept me. She was all of about six years old at the time, but she looked at me and said, “Yeah, but Mommy, if you don’t try to do it, then you won’t do it anyway. So you should just try to do it.” Her words completely blew me away. She was right: If I auditioned and didn’t get in, it wouldn’t change a single thing, but if I did get in, then I could have a really neat and unforgettable life experience. My fear of failure was holding me back until she helped me reframe what failure actually was. Clearly some risks carry larger potential downsides, and when taking them, it is important to consider consequences. However, if we learn to reframe being told “no” as something less scary and less conflated with failure, then we open up a world of possibilities!
Everybody fails. It is not fun, but it is the natural result of risk taking. And if we learn to accept failure as an inevitable part of trying new things, then we can convert it from shame and discomfort into a learning experience that can give us fuel and confidence to try again. If we aren’t failing, then we aren’t growing or becoming stronger, and we are likely not taking important risks. So learn to become comfortable with the discomfort of failing. Be kind to yourself: you are human, and you don’t come out of the box fully equipped to handle everything all the time. You learn through experience, and if you are allowing yourself the ability to learn from your failure, then it becomes more of a temporary setback. Reflect on what went wrong, discuss your feelings with friends, look at your failure straight in the face, practice your skills, and then when you are ready, take another whack at it. Don’t let failure stop you, and don’t let fear of failure dictate your life. The more you tussle with failure, the less scary it will seem, and the less scary it becomes to you, the more confidence you will keep building up in yourself.
Being Human
While building confidence from scratch is entirely possible for anybody, it also can take a lot of time and hard work. As humans, we all come from different family backgrounds, ethnicities, cultures, experiences, beliefs, morals, norms, stages of development, and possibly traumatic events that have all formed who we are today. Some people have more barriers and obstacles to overcome when it comes to truly believing in themselves.
While in this blog I have offered examples related to music performance, it is very important to note that when looking at taking risks and confronting fear of failure, for some people, the risks they may be considering taking are far more serious, require far more consideration, and might have far more significant downsides. But just because we might face risks of differing severity does not mean that we shouldn’t work to build ourselves up in the face of them. Perhaps a risk is not worth taking today, but work your way toward your goal so that when the time is right, you will be ready. Perhaps you do not have a family who is supportive of a risk you might take, but you can still evaluate if the benefits to you personally outweigh the negative effects on your relationships.
What we do not want to do is to spend our one, precious life paralyzed with fear. We do not want to stay in situations that are bad for us because we are too scared to change them. We do not want to live a life that is stagnant and unfulfilling because we lack the confidence to try something different. Life is hard, and our circumstances might seem impossible, but with effort, focus, and determination, we can begin to change them. And perhaps a good starting place for changing the big things in our lives is with taking small, comparatively insignificant risks instead. Test yourself. See what you can do. See how much more you are capable of than you have given yourself credit for. If you can do little things, then you can do medium things. And if you can do medium things, then eventually, you can do hard things, too. Grow that faith in yourself, because you are more powerful than you may know!
Check It Out
When creating this blog, I drew heavily upon the ideas and strategies used in “The Confidence Code for Girls,” written by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman. This is a worthwhile read for young women. These authors also co-wrote “The Confidence Code,” which is directed to a more adult audience, and is worth looking into! Enjoy!