Where Did My Daughter Go?: A Child Development Perspective
by NoSorry Parent Lisa
What is Happening?
A large, inviting grassy lawn stretched across the front of my kids’ elementary school. When my kids were younger, I would stand at the very edge of this field, waiting for my three children to come meet me. My youngest, an only daughter, had an unusual post-school routine. Stepping away from her teacher, she would not come straight to me as did her brothers; instead, she would drop on all fours and start scrambling around like a four-legged beastie as fast as her limbs could carry her, whooping and roaring or barking and snarling, depending on which mammal she was emulating for the day. Other kids of all grades would watch her unabashedly bound across the grass, and with unwavering regularity, at least a few would follow her lead, dropping to their hands and knees and trying to keep up. Kids began to look for my daughter at the end of each school day, readying themselves for a wild, animalistic time before heading home.
My daughter was a natural leader, and the source of her power was a complete and utter disregard for what people thought about her; a reckless abandonment to unselfconscious joy radiated from her very being. This went on for the first couple of years of her elementary school career, and it was wonderful to see my daughter so wildly confident in herself that she was able to infuse some of that magic in the kids around her. When she hit third grade, however, things took an unexpected and abrupt turn. Granted, she began at a new school, so her environment did not have the same comfortable familiarity of her original school. But I truly expected her to be able to bring that core, sparkling self to her new school and more or less pick up where she left off. She did have the knack, after all, to make friends so easily!
In reality, it was not nearly as easy as I had imagined for her. She became infused with suffocating self-consciousness. From what she wore to how she moved to how and to whom she spoke, she was aware of herself and her place in her own world in a way she never even began to care about in her early childhood. She began to cry during the mornings because she felt so much anxiety about going to school that it manifested itself physically as stomachaches. She began hiding in her classroom during lunch breaks and recesses whenever possible to avoid interacting with other kids. Rather than stand on her own two feet with her own social peer group, she began spending time with her older brother and his friends. She began asking if she could be homeschooled so she would not have to deal with her classmates, and her anxiety and anger began swirling and building to a crisis level that eventually necessitated therapeutic intervention.
I was left to wonder: what happened to my daughter? Where did that confident, wild, free, strong-willed, wonderfully happy kid go? Could a family move and a school change really be SO traumatic that it completely changed her entire personality? What has happened to my daughter, and why, when I confided about my concerns for her to other parents, did they so often respond with their own similar stories about their daughters? Time and time again, I have been told how these girls were so completely outgoing and sure of themselves as young kids, but once they hit those middle years of childhood, they became inflicted with a sense of self-consciousness so strong and pervasive that it changed how they interacted with the world. That they struggled with such anxiety that medication sometimes became necessary to be functional. That they seemed depressed, even when there was no clear reason why. That they began apologizing for things that developmentally they have little to no control over, afraid they were upsetting the people around them by making simple, normal, childish mistakes. That they began caring so much about being perceived as good and kind and perfect that they were afraid to make an independent decision without some kind of verbal affirmation from parent or peer. Why do girls do this? Where do our daughters go? Why do they become so scared, so self-conscious, so meek in this world that they used to take by storm? Clearly there is something universal happening here.
A Child Development Perspective
In my pursuit of answers to these very questions, I began looking into the stages of child development for enlightenment. Children develop physically, emotionally, and cognitively at their own rates; however, some generalizations about the various stages of growth help shed some light on what is happening to our daughters. When they begin elementary school, our daughters are in that Early School Age stage of development, around ages six to eight years of age. Physically, they are becoming stronger and more coordinated, and they are able to participate in group sports. Cognitively, they begin to understand more complex ideas and can problem solve with logical thinking. Their language is developing and they can articulate their feelings more than during their Preschool Ages. Additionally, their social and emotional development is beginning to take off. They begin to understand the concept of friendships, they begin seeking approval of peers and may begin to curb their own behaviors in pursuit of this approval, and they begin showing concern for others. All of these developments are big changes from their preschool aged selves, when learning how to take turns, understanding basic concepts, and using crayons were key areas in their development. However, for many kids, they still lack a true ability at this stage to self-reflect on their positions in the social hierarchy around them. So while they understand how to make friends, they are more likely to do so unselfconsciously and freely. Anybody in class can be a friend at any time, as long as they are nice. Having a birthday party? Everybody can come! They are all friends! This is where my daughter was developmentally, launching her body on all fours across the grassy field in front of an entire school of kids.
The next stage of child development is when our children really begin to see where they stand in their own worlds. These are the Middle Childhood Ages, from nine until eleven years old. If you have watched a daughter of your own begin to retract into herself, it likely began to happen around this stage of childhood. (I am speaking in generalizations, the experience of specific children may differ depending on variables such as personality, cultural upbringing norms, special needs, family structure, trauma, et cetera.) During their Middle Childhood, children are increasing in their physical abilities, and their language development enables them to express their ideas far more clearly. Cognitively, they begin developing critical thinking skills, their attention span lengthens, and they begin to choose specific hobbies or areas of interest. They are becoming individuals. Key to this discussion, their social and emotional development is also reaching new milestones. They are developing a greater sense of self, and therefore, may now begin to struggle with self-esteem and with peer pressure.
The Role Of Society in Our Daughter’s Lives
In addition to these natural areas of growth and change within our children is a society surrounding them, eager to pounce on their young minds with ideas and demands of who they should be and how they should act. Young girls are trained to be socially adept. It is important to young girls to be well thought of, admired, seen as good and sweet and caring. As Mary Pipher, a clinical psychologist wrote, “Girls stop thinking, ‘Who am I? What do I want?’ and start thinking, ‘What must I do to please others?’” In a 2006 study conducted by the nonprofit company Girls, Inc., “Fifty-six percent of girls responding to the survey agreed that girls are expected to speak softly and not cause trouble…74 percent of girls said they were under a lot of pressure to please everyone.” The societal pressure is clearly there for young girls to perform to certain expectations of who and what a young girl “should” be, and it is difficult for these girls to maintain a healthy sense of self. As Nicky Marone, author of “How to Mother a Successful Daughter” notes, “Many girls…experience a precipitous fall in confidence, aspirations, and motivation, which affects their performance and achievement.” Now doesn’t this sound familiar?
The Tornado of Expectation
It is clear that there are two causal factors working together simultaneously, affecting our daughters around their later elementary school years. Developmentally, they are able to see their place in the world for the first time. They are seeing what other people see, and they care. Socially, the world expects girls to be good, demure, peaceful, and accommodating. Our young, wild, carefree daughters are told by society and by peers who she must be, and meanwhile, her own cognitive stage of development has her brain sending her the message that who she is, who she used to be, was wrong, and that she must change to conform to the expectations of others, else she might not be worthy of the love, friendship, acceptance, and admiration she so craves. Girls are social creatures, and so therefore all of these pieces of external feedback become increasingly critical to their own senses of self.
As though they have been caught up in tornado force winds of pressures coming both from within themselves and from the society in which they are formed, it is no wonder, then, that some girls end up curled in a ball in their beds, crying and in physical agony over the prospect of showing up at school, with a group of equally self-conscious, anxiety-ridden girls jockeying for social acceptance and status. It is no wonder that our children, unabashedly singing and dancing and running on all fours, suddenly retreat into themselves, attempting to conform to certain expectations of femininity. It is no wonder they begin analyzing their hair, their skin, their eyes, their body type, their clothes, and their interests to see what is lacking, and wallow in self-loathing for those things. It is incredibly difficult to experience such self-consciousness, especially in a world that puts so much pressure on people to conform to its arbitrary expectations.
What Can Parents Do to Help?
But here is the ray of hope: this too, is temporary. It takes some girls longer than others, but they do eventually learn how to find themselves and accept themselves and love themselves again. During the last stage of childhood development, Adolescence (12-18 years), children begin increasing their sense of identity, their hormones bring about physical changes in their bodies, and their cognitive abilities allow for increased reasoning and moral development. They begin to form friendships with other people with common interests, and to enjoy their own abilities, strengths, and interests. Sometimes it takes well into adulthood for girls to overcome the crippling self-consciousness that comes with worrying about the expectations of society, but most of us get there eventually! Our daughters will come back to us, just as we eventually came back to ourselves.
As parents, therefore, our job becomes, as it always was, holding on to the wild ride that is raising children, and to be present, thoughtful, and loving in each of these normal and sometimes challenging stages of child development. What should we do for our daughters? Be mentors by listening to their woes and offering advice when it is solicited. Be examples by modelling independence, self-confidence, and showing kindness while also maintaining a healthy dose of personal boundaries. Be a cheerleader by letting your daughter know that who she is, is more than enough, and that you both love her, and also like her. Tell her specifically the things about her that are praiseworthy, and uncouple this praise from achievements! For instance, don’t only cheer for your daughter because she got all As, but rather, let your daughter know you are proud of her incredible work ethic. It is these core qualities, not the grades, that will carry her successfully through life, after all! And lastly, be lovingly patient, for your daughter is navigating a minefield of expectations, both internal and external, and she may not always be her best self as she figures it out. The quality of your relationship with your daughter through these various stages of development matters more than anything else during these potentially rough years, because what she needs is a parent whom she trusts and can rely on when everything else about her world feels out of her control. So, parents, keep showing up for your daughters, because eventually, if you weather the storm with her, she will come back to you!
Please check out some of these cited sources for more information:
Blachor, Devorah. “The Feminist’s Guide to Raising a Little Princess.” 2017.
Elium, Jeanne and Don. “Raising a Daughter: Parents and the Awakening of a Healthy Woman.” 1994.
Marone, Nicky. “How to Mother a Successful Daughter: A Practical Guide to Empowering Girls From Birth to Eighteen.” 1998.
“Stages of Child Development: What to Expect at Every Age.” July 2, 2025. Explaintoakid.com/stages-of-child-development-what-to-expect-at-every-age/