Debunking the Bossy Girl Myth

 

by NoSorry Parent Lisa

The Problem

We have all heard it: “She’s SO bossy,” when referring to women or girls who take on leadership roles. On the playground, in a group project, at the workplace, even in the home, there is a limit to how assertive a female can be before she inevitably gets an eye roll and the label of “bossy” in response. Even if tossed out casually and without thought, the truth is, words have power. They have the effect of shaping the norms and expectations not necessarily only for the woman being actively accused of bossiness, but also by creating an example of how not to behave for the women and girls overhearing this term being weaponized against their fellow female. The word teaches girls how to behave in order to be “acceptable” in society, and it has very real behavior-shaping outcomes.

Societal Definitions of Femininity

Before the age of twelve, studies show that girls’ behavior is conducive to both risk-taking and high achievement. They take chances, they exert themselves, they feel confident about their place in the world. However, at around age twelve, girls experience a decrease in aspirations, motivation, and confidence. They look at the world around them and begin to see that what achievement means for them may look different than what it means for males.

Girls are taught certain lessons of femininity and how they should embody that ideal through our society’s constant messaging and reinforcement. They are taught that positive attributes of being a female include being nice, passive, small, polite, quiet, deferential to the needs of others, passive, sweet, and above all, they are taught to be nonthreatening. Males, on the other hand, are taught that their very masculinity is linked to the idea of achievement. So, while boys are taught to push, take chances, show confidence, and achieve, girls are taught that the very idea of achievement is masculine, and therefore, unfeminine and undesirable.

In addition, females are taught to be very relational in their approach towards people. Through learning to play collaboratively, work collaboratively, and being aware of the needs and reactions of the people around them, girls are taught to put those very needs above their own in order to be liked and accepted. When something needs to be decided in the workplace or on a school project, females are far more likely than males to collect opinions and attempt to be deferential towards the input of others, whether or not that input is actually useful in the given context. Hence the word “sorry” popping up in a working environment. Women might feel guilty for nixing an idea because it goes against the nurturing and collaborative tendencies they have been trained societally to espouse, and so feel actively apologetic for going in a different direction with their leadership. It can be difficult to embody both the expected role of caretaker as well as being a successful leader at the same time.

The “Bossy Girl” Phenomenon

The “bossy girl” phenomenon is both real and measurable. According to twenty years’ worth of studies run and analyzed by the “Ban Bossy” campaign, founded by former Facebook, now Meta, COO Sheryl Sandberg,

• Women are referred to as “bossy” more often than men

• Men are just as likely to exhibit “bossy” behaviors as women, though women are twice as likely to receive the label

• Coworkers labeled as “bossy” are unpopular and unlikely to be successful in the future

• Being labelled as “bossy” is a sign of bad leadership

• 33% of women have received the feedback that they are “bossy” in the workplace

The truth is, females are more likely to be labeled and punished for being a “bossy” person than males, and the reason for this is that when girls demonstrate overtly assertive behaviors, they are punished for acting unfeminine and defying gender expectations. The standards for relational behaviors are different for men than they are for women, and these lessons are taught directly and indirectly to our young girls.

Nobody wants to be a “bossy girl.” The connotation is negative. Kids don't want to be friends with somebody labeled as bossy any more than management wants to promote adult women who are labeled as bossy. The message is clear: be feminine, be soft, be non-threatening, don’t hurt feelings, be quiet. Those are behaviors that will be rewarded. Act “bossy,” and face the backlash of not espousing these cultural expectations.

 

Negative Effects On Our Youth

The Ban Bossy campaign argues that girls are trained from a young age to be quiet and submissive, and when they break these gender norms, they’re often criticized, disliked, and called “bossy” - a word that can discourage girls from growing up to be leaders. Additional studies show the effects of this training. A 2006 study by Girls, Inc., shows that 56% of girls feel they are expected to speak softly and not cause trouble, and 76% of girls said that they were under a lot of pressure to please everyone.

It is no wonder girls are facing a crisis of self-confidence and self-esteem! What impossible standards to live up to! Societal messaging overtly tells girls that they can achieve just as much as boys, if they only try; and yet, society holds them to an entirely different set of expectations for how they are allowed to go about achieving. 

 

What Can We Do About It?

One of the goals of the NoSorry movement is to create a new set of expectations for our girls. We want them to know that achievement can look however they wish it to look. We want them to know that their personalities can shine in their natural form. So long as they are not unkind or unfair to the people around them, girls do not need to feel apologetic for being strong, for being smart, for being opinionated, for being creative, or for being a leader.  We have witnessed in our daily interactions that girls and women can be overly apologetic, even when they have done nothing wrong. We wish to break this pattern.

As parents and adults, we play critical roles in determining the boundaries of identity and behavior our young ones try to follow. It is up to us to catch girls if we think they are being unnecessarily apologetic, overly people pleasing, or sacrificing of their own needs and feelings for the sake of others. It is important to highlight the times when girls should NOT say they’re sorry. Teaching girls how to only apologize when it is necessary is a way to boost self-esteem by helping them recognize their own self-worth. Every girl should believe that she deserves to be a part of the conversation and to have her voice heard, and every girl should feel she is capable of leading without reprisal for her very leadership.

In other words, girls can be assertive without sacrificing their femininity. They can take leadership roles while still caring for others. Society has taught women that these are mutually exclusive states of being, but they are not. Encourage the young women in your life to speak up and speak out. Model for them yourself how to respond with politeness while not sacrificing your own opinions for the sake of fulfilling expectation. Girls do not need to be quiet in order to be liked and accepted; having a voice can coexist with being kind. And when you are around other adults in this world, try to avoid throwing around the word “bossy” when referring to women in your life. Help debunk this caustic myth that a woman cannot be both feminine and a leader. Little ears are listening to you, and little minds are learning from you.

Sources

Cathleen Clerkin, PhD, “Ban Bossy: What’s Gender Got to Do With It?”

Katie Hurley, “No More Mean Girls: The Secret to Raising Strong, Confident, and Compassionate Girls.” 

Nicky Marone, “How to Mother a Successful Daughter: A Practical Guide to Empowering Girls from Birth to Eighteen.”

Kimberly Wolf, “Talk With Her: A Dad’s Essential Guide to Raising Healthy, Confident, and Capable Daughters.”

Photo by Sarah Pflug from Burst